Albuquerque

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
Living in a box under the stairs in the corner of
The basement of the house
Half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
You know the place
Well anyway back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
Except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
Awww big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single mornin'
It was driving me crazy
I said to my mom
I said
Hey mom what's up with all the sauerkraut
And my dear sweet mother
She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said It's good for you
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until
I was twenty six and a half years old
That's when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
Well let me tell you people it wasn't long at
All before my dream came true
Because the very next day a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt
I was off by three but I still won the grand prize
That's right a first class one-way ticket to
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Oh yeah
You know I'd never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large
Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And oh yeah three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why
Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ahhhh
So I crawled from the twisted burnin' wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
And my lucky lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It's okay they're clean
Well I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very very much when suddenly there's a knock on the door
Well now who could that be
I say
Who is it
No answer
Who is it
There's no answer
Who is it
They're not sayin' anything
So finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock Of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man I hate it when I'm right
So anyway he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I'm like
Hey you can't have that
That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me
And he's like tough
And I'm like give it
And he's like make me
And I'm like 'kay
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said
I'll tell you what it said
It said
If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again
If you need help hang up and then dial your operator
If you'd like to make a call please hang up and try again
If you need help hang up and then dial your operator
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Well to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel
But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that
I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says
Yeah what do ya want
I said
You got any glazed donuts
He said
No we're outta glazed donuts
I said
You got any jelly donuts
He said
No we're outta jelly donuts
I said
You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts
He said
No we're outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts
I said
You got any cinnamon rolls
He said
No we're outta cinnamon rolls
I said
You got any apple fritters
He said
No we're outta apple fritters
I said
You got any bear claws
He said
Wait a minute I'll go check
No we're outta bear claws
I said
Well in that case in that case what do you have
He says
All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving crazed weasels
I said
Okay I'll take that
So he hands me the box and
I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin' me all over
Oh man they were just going nuts
They were tearin' me apart
You know I think it was just about that time
That a little ditty started goin' through my head
I believe it went a little something like this
Doh
Get 'em off me
Get 'em off me
Oh
No get 'em off get 'em off
Oh oh God oh God
Oh get 'em off me
Oh oh God
Ah ah ah
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin' my arms all around and just runnin' runnin' runnin'
Like a constipated wiener dog
And as luck would have it that's exactly when
I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite
And hair the color of strained peaches
I'll never forget the first thing she said to me
She said
Hey you've got weasels on your face
That's when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
Aw we ate together we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh we were so very very very happy aw yeah
But then one fateful night Zelda said to me
She said
Sweetie pumpkin
Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club
I said
Whoa hold on now baby
I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that's just the way things go
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Anyway things really started lookin' up for me
Because about a week later I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That's right I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler
I even made employee of the month after
I put out that grease fire with my face
Aw yeah everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin' a lot of attitude
OK like one time I was out in the parking lot
Tryin' to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty tryin' to carry a big ol'
Sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I
I say to him I say
Hey you want me to help you with that
And Marty he just rolls his eyes and goes
No I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw
So I did
And then he gets all indignant on me
He's like
Hey man I was just being sarcastic
Well that's just great
How was I supposed to know that
I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud
Besides now he's got a really cute nickname Torso-Boy
So what's he complaining about
Say that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street
And says he hasn't had a bite in three days
Well I knew what he meant
But just to be funny I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he's yellin' and screamin' and bleeding all over
And I'm like
Hey come on don'tcha get it
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming
You know just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man some people just can't take a joke you know
Anyway um um where was I
Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh well uh okay
Anyway I I know it's kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I'm tryin' to make here is
I hate Sauerkraut
That's all I'm really tryin' to say
And by the way if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandry
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up old universe of ours
There's still a little place called
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque Albuquerque
Albuquerque Albuquerque
Albuquerque Albuquerque
Albuquerque Albuquerque
I said A A
L L
B B
U U
Querque querque
Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque
Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque
Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque Albuquerque
Albuquerque Albuquerque
Albuquerque