Suffocating (Explicit)

Huh I'm tired man
Sometimes I just sit in my room
And I just hold my breath
And let all the pressure and anxiety build up
And just let the time pass by
At first I couldn't breathe
Now I'm suffocatin' suffocatin'
Maybe the pressure from the fame
Isn't worth what I'm chasin' I don't know
I used to say god's playing
Now the devil's on my team acting
Foul and it's all flagrant huh
Tryna push me off the path
That I'm steady paving
Sin is the currency and every
Day I'm making payments every day
I don't wanna live in it
But I heard a saying
Good knows evil 'cause the
Houses are both adjacent
I don't know if I should go for these goals
I've seen people gain the world
But lose they souls
My anxiety is buildin' as the
Weight of it grows
I seclude myself in privacy inside my home
And I barely answer calls
And when I see my phone
I'm reminded that the real
Feelin' of being alone real feelin'
Is having millions who love you
But can leave you
Or say that they hate you at the
Moment they don't
**** with a song
I used to laugh it off
Now I hold my breath and suffocate
That's what I do
Then I sit and wait just to see
If I can kill the hate I can kill
And as I'm fleetin' I see
God at the heaven's gates
Then come back down to fight another day
Then I grab that same phone
And smile and wave
And pour my empty heart into a
Song that they won't praise
They say patience is the key
But they didn't tell me while I wait
I'd be locked inside a steel cage
Something's wrong I feel claustrophobic
Claustrophobic
I'm stuck living in the past
And not the moment the moment
Or the future where my life
Is only more broken more broken
'Cause those wounds from the
Past are still open still open
I take sips of love and
Every single time it's poison
I see women who can't see past my employment
Or see me as enjoyment so I can't enjoy it
'Cause the ride's temporary and they leave
Once they crash and destroy it
I don't think this life is healthy
Why didn't anybody tell me
Everybody'd want help but nobody'd
Wanna help me I'm an atm
A therapist and everybody's friendly
And they hide their real intentions
But my mind won't let me
If I make a sad song
Don't ask me if I'm happy
**** a hook my pain isn't catchy
If you relate or worse feel badly
******* pity me at least
And check in if you at me
That's the only way I'll know who it touches
That's why I stay awake and
Answer dms by the hundreds by the hundreds
So I don't lose myself and fill my stomach
With the feelin' that I'm here
Just to suffocate for nothin'
If you know real pain then you see it
When you look me in my eyes
******* pain
I try to hide it but they do not lie
I wanna sleep but if I try
The demons who creep in
My dreams will collide
So I stay up and I stare at the ceilin'
And ask myself if I should
Even share these feelings
Then I hear a voice in the
Distance from a ghost-like image
Sayin' my pain could be somebody's healin'
So I close my eyes and drift to
The place that inspires these lyrics
And as I see flames and I scream
I pray it's a place you'll
Never have to visit